luni, 31 august 2009

Just funny..


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Question:
There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of
the world today that allows people to see through walls.
What is it?
Answer: A window.
-A guy...
had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."


-He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

-On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
few funny things


He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"
The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says,
"Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were
peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer tells the man to turn it around.
The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says,
"These apples are great - give me some!"
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign
"Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says,
"Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says,
"Let me guess - I have to turn it around."
The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says,
"Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road.
He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples.
Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says,
"What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples.
Here, try one."
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck!
This apple tastes like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
whats in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!
She wants.
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house.
One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl.
He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike.
Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says
"You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress and says...
"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
 

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