luni, 6 iulie 2009

F***k my life



"Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad." F***ML 
"Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone s*x. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. "My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a s*x talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family." F***ML 
"Today, I was completely wasted at my bachelor party, and my friends thought it would be funny to put sodium nitrate on my p**is. Sodium nitrate makes your skin dark purple for a couple of weeks. My wedding is next week and my fiancee has never seen me naked."F***ML
"Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice ti*s." F***ML
Michael Buble - Fever
"Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him h*o*ing up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there." F***ML
"Today, my girlfriend and I were having s*x. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing." F****ML 
"Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had s*x since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's v*g*na in nearly nine months." F****ML
"Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her *lit*ris pierced and how sometimes she has o*gas*s behind the register."F****ML

 
Barry White
"Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing." F****ML
"Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting s*x." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a ho*k*r." F****ML
"Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early." F****ML "Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what se* is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." F****ML "Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing s*x last night. I have been out of town for 3 days.F****

"F****ML
Thin Lizzy - Dancin' In The Moonlight
"Today, I was having s*x with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her bu*t. I missed. I smacked my ba*ls instead. Real hard." F****ML "Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing se* then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvi* thru*ts." F****ML "Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho* and I a perv." F****ML "Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my bo*bs. "F****ML "Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten hor*y, watched a por*o and mas*urbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone." F****ML
Michael Buble - Feeling Good
"Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never *rgas*ed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than s*x. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died." F****ML 
"Today, I went to take off her bra, and when I finally unh*oked it from behind her, it snapped back and hit me in the eye.
" F****ML "Today, I had se* with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, "You know what you and that song have in common?" I smiled and said, "What?" He replied with, "You just got played, get out of my bed." F****ML
"Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. "F****ML
Rubin Steiner - Wunderlande
 

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